The bitch from looneytown strikes back.

Her name is Barbara Ann Kifper and she is an author. Which is a huge overstatement.
Her first book was "40000 things to be happy about". It's basically a book filled with whatever was passing before her eyes at the moment she was writing it. It includes such things(to be happy about): sleepyheads, fish, getting back correct change, rereading confusing instructions, making awkward eye contact with cats, tolerable temperatures( my brain starts to slip away at this point), manhole covers. What kind of sick person do you have to be, to consider that manhole covers exist for you to be happy about them. I hope she was on drugs when she wrote this list of 14 fucking thousand things to be happy about. That's a very long high.

You might think that after a masterpiece like this one, she'd be kicked off the face of the planet, forced to endlessly pop zits on the ass of Satan.
But NOOOO!
She wrote another book(i'll continue to call it a book, because, really, I can't find words for such hilarity)
Her next book was entitled "The wish list", pretty harmless, one might say. But here's the catch: it includes 6000 things that you'd want to tick off your list before you die. SIX fucking THOUSAND! Don't get me wrong, i'm all for achieving and experiencing as much as you can in our short times here, but you have to check this shit out. It jumps between being appointed to ambassador of China, to "be strong enough to lift a car". All in a day's job, if you ask me.
I'll touch on some of the more hair-raising achievements that you might want to check off your list:
1). Take a space walk - allright, i'll sign up as soon as the billions start pouring in from all the money i've planted in my backyard. That does work, doesn't it?
2). Have healthy children - I'm on it!
3). Squeeze the Pillsbury Dough Boy just once, to make him giggle - I need some help with this one, where's Pillsbury. I hope the boy is not underaged...
4). Change your first name - ok, it'll be...Heidelheinzelberger
5). Invent a floor surface that never needs cleaning -  i'll see what i can do, i'm only a level 2 mad scientist
6). Win an all-I-can-grab 10 minute spree in a mystery book-store - oh man, can't it be in a cook-book-store? That's too specific!
7). Invent bi-focal contact lenses, that work - as soon as we establish what "work" means
8). Avoid the symptoms of menopause - Check!
9). Eliminate roaches and rats forever - what.the.fuck!
10). Invent bug-resistant lettuce - right after i perfect my technique of having hens lay omelettes, m'kay?
11). Master the rudiments of plumbing - And also grow a moustache, wear a red overall and cap with a big M on it.
12). Play with the Chicago Bulls - ok lady, you're stretching it
13). Win a place on the US olympic team - aaanawanna!
14). Raise sheep - but... ah, forget it!
15). Live in an all electronic house you conduct by your computer - Sweet!
16). Cook a perfect batch of popcorn for Paul Newman - why? Goddammit! Why him?!?
17). See a mountain gorilla in the wild - and then get torn to pieces, thanks bitch!
18) put an end to all religious and civil wars in the world - That's it, I'm bailing out!
This was all my brain could take, after this last one, i couldn't find the strenght to go on. Clearly nobody could, not even the editor, because these also got in: "learn to box" and "take boxing lessons" or "Weave your own basket" and "weave a basket". Maybe those were written on 2 separate drug trips, who can tell what goes on in Barbara's mind?(no-one, that's who)

Barbara Ann Whateverly, you've made me laugh today, but also very, very sad. It is because you, that people like me lose hope in humanity. You're in desperate need of a little thing called life and a large dose of penis.
Get well soon.
Still shivering,
Norbi


I'm in and